Holidays! Etc.

Posted on Tuesday 24 December 2013

20131224-130922.jpg

This blog is turning into one of those Christmas card year in review letters that nobody reads due to overwhelming smug-itude however I’m stuck on the floor of an airport lounge waiting for my delayed flight so y’all get the pleasure of a blog post.

At some point in time I had some distinct thoughts about life and the passage of time, especially after my aunt passed away a couple weeks ago. At the moment I don’t quite remember what I had wanted to say beyond “hold your loved ones close”.

So on that note, love everyone a little bit more, be a little kinder to those around you, and spread a little cheer out into the world.

zuhn @ 1:10 pm
Filed under: insert something clever here
What Next?

Posted on Monday 21 October 2013

After boring people for almost a year with my “I’m training for a marathon” snooze fest, I actually did go out there and completed a marathon like I said I would.

medal

During the whole time I was training, I was telling myself how stupid running is and how happy I’ll be when I finally do the dang race and then I don’t have to wheeze around like a fool anymore while my body sweats enough that we no longer have to buy salt for a year (I’m kidding, that’s disgusting). The morning of the race I turned to the ladyfriend and said, “good god, what have I done?”

I can’t really say that I developed any particular fondness for running and I still think the people who talk about how zen running is are of crap, but I do miss it.

I think what I actually miss though, is striving towards a goal. I had a goal, I set up a plan to get me there, and then I executed it. Ever since then, I’ve been sitting on my couch eating chips, thinking, “what now”? It may be the chips more than anything else but I feel lethargic and grossed out with myself so I have decided that I need a new goal to work towards. I need something more tangible than “get stronger or faster” and I need something that has a definite end point. I would also prefer something that results in a medal or commemorative t-shirt at the end because nothing is worth doing if it doesn’t come with a commemorative t-shirt. To that end, I think I have narrowed down a new plan, which is to complete a triathlon next summer in preparation for a half-Ironman in the fall. I hear triathletes are even dorkier than runners so this should be hellish for everyone around me.

Now…I wonder if I still remember how to swim….

zuhn @ 10:57 pm
Filed under: wordly
Finding a harder way

Posted on Friday 11 October 2013

I wanted to post something on twitter that would ideally read:

Sitting at the bar next to a couple of roughnecks partly entertained, partly offended on behalf of the young bartender. Then one says “I never look good in pictures, which leaves me to believe I’m not that attractive” and he won me over entirely.

It didn’t fit the character limitation so I just deleted the draft; a thought left to wither.

As I put my phone back down, it got me thinking about how so much of what I do now is just taking the easy way out. I often lament the loss of the blogging community from a few years back to twitter and facebook but the more I think about it the more I realize that I’m just as guilty. A stray observation that doesn’t fit some arbitrary limitation? *Poof* Moment passes. An idea that cannot be succinctly condensed to two sentences? *Poof* Vanished.

The same extends to the less inane aspecst of my life. Grad school application deadline passed? *Poof* Discussions about marriage/children/property/the big scary future? *Poof* Thoughts of finding a more fulfilling career path? *Poof* Stalled efforts at initiating some educational volunteering opportunities? *Poof*

Taking the path of least resistance is becoming tiresome but it is still the path of least resistance. I think it’s time to make some changes and find a harder way.

zuhn @ 9:56 pm
Filed under: wordly
God…even the titles are a struggle!

Posted on Wednesday 20 March 2013

I read this article by Hugo Lindgren a few days months ago and it definitely sounded like what I struggle through with my own writing process. I have fewer opportunities to write these days and this blog, stagnant though it is, is my only consistent avenue for prose. While I am thankfully no longer in that prodigious writing head space called depression, I still have random kernels of thought that pop up once in a while where I think, “that could turn into a nice little blog post.” Usually at this point I start mulling over the thought and would come up with one brilliant line and then…. You should see my drafts folder; it’s filled with brilliant one-liners.

So this article – it connected with something in my brain but at the same time, gave me the perfect excuse to not have to follow through with anything. After all, if a New York Times Magazine editor has trouble fleshing out an idea with the written word, I should take it a little easy on myself.

At this point, I should note that I’m sitting here staring at a blinking cursor wondering where it is exactly I’m going with this, how am I supposed to conclude this, and if anyone would notice if I just ended it here?

zuhn @ 9:36 pm
Filed under: insert something clever here
Hard to believe but…

Posted on Monday 24 December 2012

… somebody mentioned the year’s almost over?? I’m not entirely sure how that’s possible but in any event, Merry Festivusmukkah New Year everyone!

Merry Festivusmukkah New Year

Photo credit: kennymatic

zuhn @ 12:21 pm
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No Impact Man

Posted on Friday 21 December 2012

I just read an article that ended with the author wondering if his name appears in anyone else’s address book and it dredged up a whole slew of my own thoughts insecurities about this subject.

What kind of impact have I made?

I do not mean impact here in terms of a broader social or communal effect but rather that depressing interpersonal way where you wonder how many people will know/remember/care when you’re gone.

I was cc’d on a group email recently from this circle of people I met in teacher’s college whom I called “The Lesbians”. While not all were gay or even female, Lesbianism (with a capital L) was their core essence. I was tangentially included in their little clique I think mostly because one of them said she wanted in my pants. I don’t think I contributed much to the group nor was I ever really included in anything. In fact, often they would exchange gifts and speak of events I was not invited to right in front of me. Anyways, I never spent much time with them and have only been a part of a small handful of activities with them.

Long, convoluted story short, one member posted on facebook something about his recent health issues and wanting to reach out and thank certain people for their friendship and support, etc. Then he named these people, and these 5 names were the core of the clique…plus me.

I’ve honestly been troubled by this because we’ve never really exchanged words, had a private conversation, or spent more than 10 hours together in total. He even misspelled my name in his post. I can’t figure out why I was included in this short list, of which I never would have seen had someone not copied and pasted it into an email for me.

The issue I think is that in all my moments of self-doubt, I never understood that the fear of inconsequentiality as a fundamental truth of human existence actually meant other people feel the same way I do. I suppose that’s another truth of human existence isn’t it? This inability to think beyond ourselves. Like the author wondering whose address book his name is in, I never thought about whether people wonder if their names are in mine. It’s a wonder that it’s taken so long for this to sink in and I hope it’s not something I’ll forget soon. In the meantime, you’ll have to excuse me. I have some names to add to my address book.

zuhn @ 2:20 pm
Filed under: wordly
Remember when we used to say “in your face”?

Posted on Thursday 15 November 2012

I’ve always had a bit of a don’t ask, don’t tell policy in my personal life. Even hanging out with a bunch of super gays I’ll often use gender-less pronouns partly to mess with people but also because I really hate that constant coming out feeling.┬áThis is triply true when it comes to my family so I’m sure I am largely to blame for the following story.

My current lady friend and I have been together for about three years now and are planning on moving in together once my lease is up early next year. It wasn’t a easy decision for a variety of reasons including her stupid cats, wildly different lifestyles, loss of personal space and commitment issues. Another big part for me has been the fact that I would have to tell my family of the new living arrangement and now that I’m back in the same city as they are, there will be a lot of questions and scrutiny from the extended family.

As I’ve said, she’s been around for three years now and have met my family on numerous occasions. They invite her for celebrations and sometimes I bring her with me anyways and watch family and friends ponder her presence (”who’s that white girl sitting in the ‘family’ section?”). Often if I show up alone, my parents ask why she’s not with me and send me home with food for her. All this to say that even though it has never been explicitly stated, they know about her, her relationship to me, and seem to like her well enough. It’s been a long, hard-fought road but one that’s getting smoother everyday. Smoother, however, doesn’t necessarily translate to feeling comfortable talking about relationships and the lady friend was aghast that I had yet to mention our co-habitation plans.

So the other night, I was in the car with my parents we were talking about rent and property taxes for no good reason that I could think of and it seemed like a nice segue to talk about moving in together in the vaguest, most abstract and awkward way possible.

Attempt 1: So I think I’m going to move when my lease is up.
Result 1: Why, what’s wrong with where you are now?

Attempt 2: I’m moving to a bigger place.
Result 2: You mean your apartment isn’t big enough for you? How much space does one person need? Etc, etc.

Attempt 3: Well, I’d probably move in with Lady Friend…maybe…
Result 3: Oh a two bedroom! That’s a good idea I guess. It’d be safer, less lonely, cheaper too….

And there you have it folks. Come March, I’ll be getting a new roommate.

Clearly I have gotten to a point in my life where my independence trumps filial piety; rather than taking it as a denunciation of my life as I may have in the past, this episode highlights the line that makes my parents’ minds implode. Does not compute…does not compute….

zuhn @ 10:00 pm
Filed under: wordly